


Requiem

by lorij (Murphtastic)



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Buffy's already dead
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-27
Updated: 2012-07-27
Packaged: 2017-11-10 20:57:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,686
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/470614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Murphtastic/pseuds/lorij
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Xander talks with Buffy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Requiem

Hey, Buffy. I'm back. But you knew that, didn't you? Two weeks in a row. Some sort of record, I suppose.

I see you're still dead. Good to know.

And before you ask, I'd say this is some sort of grief related thing. This talking-to-your-grave-at-night-with-a-stake-in-my-pocket thing. Must be because you're such a good listener.

Sorry. That was mean. I'm also maybe sort of really pissed off at you right now. You being dead and all. Why the hell are you dead, Buffy? What was with the fucking martyr act you pulled? Did you think it was going to get you brownie points with the Big Guy? Because, goddammit, Buffy. 

You left us behind. And you broke us all when you did.

Anya's dying. I think I told you that before, but you're going to have to hear it again. Those falling bricks? The ones she pushed me out of the way of? Fractured her skull. She. Um. She's never going to wake up. Ever. Tomorrow I have to make a decision. 

See, we thought she was okay at first. She woke up and started to talk and then. Then she started to, like, convulse, or something. The doctors said she had a seizure and that's when she stopped breathing. So, you know, that caused "irreparable brain damage" and I have to make the decision. To shut the machines off. Tomorrow.

I want you to know that I blame you for this. 

Yeah, I know I shouldn't. There's no reason to. But you left. Splitsville. You died saving the fucking *world* and I can't stand to look at a picture of you. This is how you wanted to go out, wasn't it? "It's my job," you'd say, like the weight of the world was on your shoulders. Fucking martyr.

So Dawn is miserable. She won't talk to anyone but Spike. Which is probably okay, because I think I might hate her a little bit, too. She's not real, Buffy. She never was. She was created. She should have died. Dawn told Spike you wouldn't let her sacrifice herself. That you stopped her.

Why'd you do that, Buffy? You... Fuck. 

I hate you. 

I love you. Loved you, actually. I would have done anything for you. I would have *been* anything for you. But you only had eyes for a two hundred year old *dead* guy who turned evil after the old bump and grind. Real ego boost there, lemme tell you.

You know Willow was the one who went down to LA and told him. Angel. She said he didn't take it well. Don't ask me what that means, because I don't know and I don't care. He's a martyr, too. Willing to sacrifice himself for anything or anyone. I don't get that. Is it a hero thing? Is it a job requirement? Are heroes expected to die for their cause? 

I suppose that's what a hero is, huh, Buffy? Giles says you're one. One of the good guys, a white hat. 

Me? I say fuck you, Buffy. For dying. What good is a hero if they aren't around to save you?

It's cold out here. Bet you never notice since you're already cold.

Sorry, again. Sort of.

Tara's back. In her head, that is. She says she was lost. Like, in her mind. Her and Willow have gotten even closer. There's talk of a commitment ceremony. Later, though. Like next year kind of later. I'll probably be best man. 

They say they "understand" why and what you did. And maybe they do. I don't. Not yet. Don't know if I ever will.

You know, graveyards are kind of peaceful at night. Real quiet and the like. It's weird. The moonlight reflects nicely off your headstone.

Oh, hey. I didn't tell you the best news. This is gonna make you turn over in your grave, Buffy, swear to God.

I'm not apologizing for that one. It was kind of funny.

Anyway. You ready?

Dawn made Spike move in with her. Said she wanted to make sure he was eating. He stopped there for a bit. The drinking of the blood thing, that is. She guilted him into it. None of us can really say no to her right now. I check in on them. Bring groceries and blood. Dawn's going back to school Monday, Spike's making her. Says he's going to help her with homework and stuff. I suppose he's learned a few things in his hundred plus years. 

But that isn't the best part. 

I don't think the chip works anymore. You know, he took something like a twenty story nosedive and pretty much broke the shit out of his head. I'm pretty sure the chip couldn't hold up to that kind of punishment. The reason I'm pretty sure is because he bit me. 

Before you freak out, you should know. He's changed, Buffy. I think you broke him, too. I think he's depressed. Or something. Dawn keeps him going, though.

It was my fault, really. I pissed him off. Said something about you dying for nothing and he just kind of lost it. See, this was a few days after and I. Well, I guess I went to check up on him. Whatever the reason, I could tell Spike hadn't eaten. Skin and bones, you know?

Sort of long story short, he got pissed, we rolled around on the floor and I pushed my luck by taunting him that he couldn't bite me. So he did.

It wasn't half bad. Really. I can kind of see what Riley was getting out of it. The pain was real when nothing else was. Don't worry, Buff. I'm not going to make habit of it or anything. Just something that I don't want to think about right now, so it's filed away for future reference.

But, yeah. Spike looked all amazed and he didn't grab his head like he always does, so. No chip. He let go and I took off. End of story. I haven't said anything to Giles, because Dawn needs Spike. More than any of us realize, I think. He'll protect her to the end of the world, Buffy. And past it. So you can relax. 

It's almost time for me to go. I patrol for you because I can't sleep most nights until I do. Been kind of quiet, though. I wonder if the demon and vampire population of Sunnydale are mourning you, too.

Don't think I mentioned it before, but I'm staying with Giles. You fucked him up six ways to Sunday, Buffy. Willow and Tara are taking care of the shop because he mostly just sits around and stares at nothing.

Sometimes he cries. 

I just. Didn't want him to be alone, I guess. Besides, there's too many Anya memories in my apartment. He's not drinking. Not anymore. I got him to stop that the first week. Giles gets kind of scary when he drinks and he reminded me of my own father. I told him that and he stopped. 

Got one last thing to tell you. I was gonna wait, but since you're here and I'm here…

Giles and I. We're. Damn. It started as a comfort thing, really. I was there when he had a nightmare and I woke him up. I started sleeping with him after that. So that I was closer. For the nightmares, see. There wasn't anything, at first. I still don't know if it is anything, but it feels like something every once in a while.

Sex. Mutual comfort. Whatever you want to call it. That's what Giles and I are doing together. It's not making love. I did that with Anya, so I know. I kind of take a backseat in the whole thing. Giles does the driving, so to speak. He's the one in control. I think it's helping, though. He's talking more and seems a little less devastated. I really don't try to over-analyze it. I don't want to figure out that one of us is maybe doing this for the wrong reasons.

I've been feeling kind of lost lately. You ever feel like that, Buffy? Not anymore, of course, but I bet you did. I used to have Anya to keep me grounded and now I have Giles. But I don't know how long that's going to last. Some days it's like I'm drifting further and further away. I need an anchor.

Willow used to be my anchor. And you, too. Then I lost you both and I didn't know what to do. Anya saved me. 

Now I don't know.

So.

It's almost light now. Imagine that. A whole night spent without a single vamp attack. I should be going. Giles worries. Says he likes to know where I am. He's not clingy. Just…cautious, maybe? I don't know.

Don't think this little heart to heart has changed anything, Buff. I'm still pissed at you because you're fucking dead and everyone is broken and I can't fix them. I try. I try to be happy and upbeat or at the very least, optimistic. It's not easy and it exhausts me. The fact that you're still dead hasn't helped. Could you maybe stop being dead for a weekend or something?

I wonder. Is it a sign of insanity if you spend all night talking to a grave? 

I better go. 

I'd say something profound and meaningful, but I don't know anything profound and meaningful these days. You'd just roll your eyes at me anyway.

So, how about: "See you tomorrow night, Buffy. Same Bat-time, same Bat-channel." Too corny? Yeah, I think so, too.

Oh, hey. Look at that. Giles just pulled up. Guess he finally figured out where I go every night. Took him long enough. I hear tell that Angel and the gang from LA are going to be up today. Or was that last night? S'pose they could be here already.

I really do have to go now. I'll work on not feeling so lost if you work on not being so dead. Deal?

Yeah, thought so.

Check you later, Buffy.


End file.
